Parents, feel free to share this with your children, unless of course you think these words don’t apply to you in which case you are in denial, still waiting for these special days, or are a unicorn.
Kids, read these words carefully because they are written with the utmost amount of love and devotion a parent can offer their children.
Believe it or not, we do not like to hear the sound of our voices being yelled through the house. We do not like to strain our vocal cords unless there is a reason to celebrate one of your many achievements of awesomeness as a person we created and raised from a helpless, drooling, beautiful baby. We do not like to reign over you like a dictator, treat you like a prisoner, or dominate every breath you take.
But as decent parents there are jobs we have to do. When you do your very best to ignore these horribly taxing demands time after time, it’s our human nature to scream these demands at you, consistently, until you’re old enough to realize that we were right all along. This will probably be just before your twenty-fifth birthday.
I have realized, after a night of reminding you yet again, that you must be vehemently opposed to brushing your teeth. I know this because I have purchased you every flavor of toothpaste known to mankind, any toothbrush that you desired, and told you how expensive dental work can be. If, after all of my pleading, you still choose to sneak to bed wearing fuzzy slippers on your teeth, I am waving the whitening strip flag. Maybe someday you’ll understand the importance of good dental hygiene.
Speaking of eating, let’s discuss the issue of eating food that isn’t full of fat, sugar, and salt. I understand these foods rank much higher on the taste scale, and we have raised you to hopefully understand the concept of moderation. However, when given something that is not your favorite, a tangy squash perhaps, remember there is a nutritional reason we dump these despicable things on your plate. It would save us all some time if you manned up and ate the minimal amount we gave you instead of pushing it around on your plate until my head explodes and spinach comes shooting out of my ears.
Finally, when we say you need to change your socks everyday, there’s a reason. Your feet stink. Not just a mild odor, we literally can smell them from any room in the house when you take your shoes off. After the gagging subsides, the deafening reminders commence. We don’t want to be telling you these anymore than we want to smell your feet, but you need to understand we don’t know if the rest of the human race can survive it.
Children, we love you unconditionally, through lack of nutrition, green teeth, and smelly feet. But do the world and yourselves a favor and take note of our constant reminders.
Sooner rather than later, we might lose our voices.
Originally written 11.1.15