Sunday, January 1, 2017

Help Wanted

           Job posting, open immediately.
            Wanted: Administrative Assistant to help organize our family.
            Conveniently located in our soon-to-be remodeled mud room, your office and desk area will be the first thing anyone sees while walking in the door carrying important papers, forms, dates, and mail. With this ingenious station, there will be less chance of our family forgetting to turn things in on time and will save doctor’s offices the hassle of sending multiple bills because I previously lost all of the other ones.
            Your duties will also include filling out school and sports forms as we begin another year of academics and activities. Keep in mind that the ideal candidate will have grip strength of iron and forearms of steel, because filling out all of these forms in triplicate often is quite taxing on the upper body limbs. There will be no extra compensation for writer’s cramp.
            Duties will also include managing the family calendar. The calendar must be updated multiple times a day as work, school, sports, and other schedules come flying in. Conflicts will undoubtedly arise. In these cases, the ideal candidate will sort through them in triage form and supply me with a soothing beverage so that I don’t start pacing and yelling and doing angry things like whacking a cookie sheet with a spatula until it is bent. (Note: You will not be required to bake cookies until a replacement is purchased.)
            If possible, logistical transportation arrangements will also be a task. The coordination of schedule to available licensed drivers may require overtime. (See “compensation” below for more details.)
            Other random duties will include, but are not limited to: making sure I don’t leave for the grocery store with my list on the counter; making sure I don’t leave for work with my lunch on the counter; making sure the children don’t leave for school with their flute/gym clothes/homework on the counter. Occasionally, a cleaning of the counter might be necessary. Similar to transportation logistics, overtime may be required.
            The preferred applicant will be much more organized than I am. She/he will know what will be served for dinner well before 5:30 PM and will have never picked up clothing on the floor and sniffed it to see if it was clean or not. She/he will be coupon savvy, be able to file away important newspaper clippings of our children without throwing them in a pile marked “To be Saved” and know which kid made which art project.
            Compensation for this esteemed position will be based on experience and starting salary will be double what I currently earn for doing all of these things. Overtime will be triple pay of my salary, which of course is $0. Coffee, by the gallon, will be provided.

            Interested parties please send an organized grocery list and scrapbook for review.

Originally written 7.24.16

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