Friday, December 21, 2007

A new holiday series! Survivor: Husbands for the Holidays

By Karrie McAllister

As usual, the turkey’s not even cooled and sliced and already people are decking their halls and hauling out the holly. The radio stations are taken hostage by the 14 holiday songs that are played over and over, sung by different artists and in different genres, but it’s still the same old 14 songs. The stores are completely insane, and television programming is booked solid with Christmas specials and holiday themed concerts.
It’s all well and good, because I, like most people, eat it all up as much as I do the Christmas cookies. My halls will be decked before my husband wakes up from his Tryptophan nap.
However, this year I’d like to pitch a new holiday series to the CBS Network for our television entertainment pleasure, so if there are any CBS executives out there reading this, remember it was MY IDEA and that I should be the one raking in the zillions of dollars for this new show. I can virtually guarantee that every female between the 20 and 120 will be watching, and I’ll even give Mark Burnett a cut. I swear.
We’ve all had our fair share of Survivor shows, when we see scantily clad people building rafts and getting even more tan. It’s entertaining, sure, but there’s nothing real about it. That is why, for next year’s holiday season, I’d like to pitch my realistic Survivor show:
SURVIVOR: HUSBANDS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Husbands and fathers will be blindfolded and taken to a large shopping mall the morning after Thanksgiving, with their kids in tow. There they will have to complete the following tasks:
1. Finding a parking spot without getting hit by a stray shopping cart
2. Successfully completing at least half of the holiday shopping without losing their temper when the kids need to go to the bathroom five times and then still demand something more to drink
3. Not forgetting the wrapping paper, tape, and ribbon
Those who survive that first day will then return to their homes and compete in the next phase of the competition, where each one will have to bake at least four different types of cookies and work really hard decorating them. From there they must keep their cool while the rest of the family devours them instantly, not even noting the placement of the cinnamon holly berries or the silver snowflake glitter.
The next stage of Survivor: Husbands for the Holidays will be in the wrapping department, where the men are required to wrap all of the presents, instead of just his wife’s which he usually just sticks in a bag on Christmas morning. Extra points awarded for festive ribbon and remembering to mark which present goes to whom.
For a surprise immunity challenge, a neighbor will show up at the door bearing a gift. To win immunity, the husband must have a stash of extra “just-in-case” gifts to return the favor. Note: re-gifted gifts do not count and are subject to immediate dismissal.
If any husbands still remain in the competition, the final task is to take the children to have their photos taken with Santa Claus. The fathers must have sufficient distraction materials for the hour-long-plus wait, and they must not have forgotten the lists the children made. To finish, they must successfully get their children onto Santa’s lap and make enough goofy faces so that the children are actually smiling (and not screaming in fear) for their photo.
The winner of Survivor: Husbands for the Holidays will receive first dibs at Christmas leftovers and the next year off.
[And not to be gender biased, I’m thinking next year the wives could compete in a show of their own, where tasks would involve getting the tree to stand up perfectly straight and an outdoor lighting display.]
So, c’mon CBS, what do you think? Do we have a winner here or what?

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